Yes, it’s the time of the year when, if you’re Chinese and around my age and unfortunate enough to have to visit lousy relatives, you’ll be asked, usually by some aunty, the perennial question,

“When are you getting married?”

If those questions are starting to affect your sanity and peace of mind, I suggest any of the following replies. They will ensure your peace and happy CNY for many years to come.

“So, when are you getting married?”

1. “Can’t wait to stop giving me angbaos huh?”

2. “You ask this every year. So predictable. So boring.” (Stifle yawn.)

3. “You know how expensive it is to get married. You could help speed things up if you could sponsor a condo…”

4. “No idea yet. How about you and uncle? When are you getting a divorce? He obviously doesn’t like you very much…”

5. “Very soon actually. No I’m not telling - you’re not invited.”

6. “Don’t know yet. You? When are you gonna die?”

7. “Probably not. I have AIDS.”

8. “You’re obviously not asking this because you’re really concerned. You’re asking this because you have nothing else to ask me. You have nothing else to ask me because don’t really know me. You don’t really know me because you don’t really care. And don’t bother pretending that you do. (And oh you know what, your ass looks huge in this cheongsam.)”

9. “I’m waiting for my girlfriend to get her divorce first. And once she’s settled the custody of her 2 kids, things will start moving. Oh, we’re trying to figure out if she should abort, because she’s not sure if it’s mine or someone else’s.”

10. “Fuck you.”