Tinker, Tailor

Update below.

A friend of mine was showing off her jade ring to me.

“What the hell is that thing?” I asked, referring to the strange design on the ring.

“It’s a rooster.”

“Oh a cock,” I responded.

Then it occurred to me, “it’s a cock ring! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!”

Yes it’s lame, but I found it really funny then. She didn’t.

Update

Just got a complaint from a friend:

WTF
i clicked on your cock ring post
and out came a wikipedia entry with someone’s dick
and i’m in the office lol

Okay people, don’t say I didn’t warn you. The cock ring entry on wikipedia is NSFW!

Long time ago I blogged about my interactions with Zac, now 8 years old and still loves animals. Read those posts at Me vs Kid part 1 and Me vs Kid part 2 before reading the rest of this.

After a short conversation where he told me about certain species of otters and squirrels and other animals (I can’t remember the exact names) that are endangered in Singapore (which left me feeling a little inadequate), he excitedly asked,

“Do you know what I want to be when I grow up??”

“No idea. Maybe… a fireman?”

I knew it was gonna be some animal-related thing, but I decided to play dumb.

“Nope! I give you ten tries to get it correct!”

“Zookeeper!”

“Nope.”

“Zoologist!”

“No.”

“Dog trainer?”

“No.”

“Butcher!”

“No!!”

“Cook! Cleaner! Garung guni man!”

“All wrong!”

“Uh… I guessed ten already. Give up!”

“One more try!”

“Teacher!”

“No I don’t wanna be a teacher!”

“Okay then what do you want to be?”

“You know the loch ness monster and bigfoot all that? I want to be an investigator to see if they’re real or not.”

“I see, that’s very interesting, “I was careful not to say anything that might discourage him, “I would love to know if they exist or not…”

“You?” he looked straight at me and asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

I stood there for a few moments, blinking, and not quite sure what to say.

Update below.

I need a 100-plus, I tell myself as a vending machine comes into view. The machine has 100-plus, only 90 cents a can.

Unlike my unluckier days, I have my wallet with me, with plenty of coins too.

I pop in a 50-cent coin. It goes straight down to the coin return compartment.

I pop in another 50-cent coin. The same thing happens.

I then notice that the vending machine isn’t on. Drat.

As I collect my two 50-cent coins from the coin return compartment, I notice a 1-dollar coin. And a 20-cent coin. And a corroded 50-cent coin.

I’m suddenly $1.70 richer.

* * *

A friend dropped me near my place after dinner yesterday. As she was about to drive off into the junction, I noticed a car approaching, and it looked like my friend didn’t notice, so I shouted at her. She almost got hit.

Earlier that day, I was in a cab rushing to a meeting. As we neared the destination, the cabbie kept glancing to the right to see if it was the right place to turn. About 30 metres ahead was a stationary car waiting to turn right. The cabbie looked ahead. 20 metres. He looked to the side again. 10 metres. 5 metres. I shouted at him. Screech. Silence.

* * *

Giving up on the 100-plus, I walk to the nearby hawker centre to get sugarcane juice. The aunty refuses to accept my just-acquired corroded 50-cent coin.

I shall be looking out for vending machines.

* * *

Update

Spotting a vending machine just now, I had to quench my thirst for 100-plus. And of course use up that corroded 50-cent coin.

I pop in the 50-cent coin. It goes straight down to the coin return compartment. All the drinks are sold out.

I try the adjacent machine, which sells 100-plus, but in a cup. Each cup costs 50 cents, which is perfect. I pop in the 50-cent coin, and the buttons light up.

When I sipped the 100-plus, it didn’t have enough gas, it tasted a bit bland, and I had to be careful not to imbibe the 3 floating ants.

Note to self: you get what you pay for.

Update below.

Quick note to self (but too long for twitter):

If you ever decide to walk out far (i.e. 15 minutes) for lunch alone, do not wait until you’ve reached your destination before checking to see if you brought along your wallet.

Ok. Off to lunch again.

Update:

A friend told me I should have borrowed some cash from a hot chick.

Well, I didn’t see any hot chicks around when I realised I didn’t have my wallet, nor did I see any on the way back. But I admit it’s a brilliant idea. Could have gotten her number, and eventually ask her out to dinner as a token of my gratitude. Why didn’t I think of that.

Updates below.

“I’m going to the Kumar show,” a friend told me.

“The Kumar show???”

“Yup, you know Kumar? the funny tranny guy.” People often think I don’t know local celebrities, which is actually quite true.

“I know lah. I’m also going.”

My first experience with Kumar was around the time when my National Service ended, and my army unit organised this farewell dinner event at this hotel ballroom.

Kumar was the host and entertainer for that night.

Besides him being funny and all, I don’t remember very much from that night, except for the part when he called some guy up on stage. That guy who came on stage then started groping his boobs. He did it a few times.

I was getting a quite disgusted.

Then Kumar, who was getting a little annoyed by then, decided to do a cartwheel out of the blue.

I grossed out.

You see, you don’t do cartwheels when you’re wearing a skirt, and beneath the skirt you’re wearing a pair of thongs, and beneath your pair of thongs you’re a tranny.

That was the Kumar “show” I remember.

Thankfully my table was at the far corner of the ballroom, so I didn’t see much. But it’s still indelibly etched into my mind…

Anyway I’m going because I got free tickets from Dream Academy, the company running the show, much to the envy and disgust of my friend, who has to pay for the tickets.

“Of all their shows, they have to give me tickets for Kumar’s show,” I told her, “I’d rather they give me this other one which has the Dim Sum Dollies.”

I was referring to Sing Dollar, a comedy musical about money and geylang starring a few others like Hossan Leong, Najip Ali and a few others. Including Kumar. But at least there are real women on the show.

“Then you still wanna watch?”

I think my friend was trying to get me to part with my tickets.

“Well although he’s gross, he’s still funny. It’s like one of those things that are really disgusting, but you can’t stop yourself from watching.”

I just hope he doesn’t do any cartwheels during the coming show.

Updates:

If you’re cheap and want free tickets, head over to mr miyagi’s blog.

Otherwise, you can try something like this if you have me on msn:

Friend: who are u gonna bring to the kumar show!

Me: y?

Friend: *skips arnd*

Friend: *skips gaily arnd*

Me: y u skipping around

Friend: *skips gaily arnd you*

Friend: im trying to get you to pick me

Me: *yawn*

Friend:

Friend: dun be a meanie

Me: u too late lah

Friend:

Friend: i dun friend you liao